So I now know what it's like to be despised. Heather's dog would like to roast me and eat me for lunch. Never before have even encountered a bit of lhatred from an animla like that. I even have the scratches on my shins to prove it. Wierdly enough, no puncture marks on my pants. But those scratches sure do bug. And so my apartment is supposedly sealed tight again, and my downstairs neighbor should have no more leaks. But we shall see, we shall see.

You know I never knew how easy it was to fall into a funk. Sooooooo easy, and so easy to be cheered up by someone. I'm I unbalanced? Do I need to seek professional help? I've always wondered about that. You know I always have these thoughts, maybe even voices, I can have a coherant conversation with myself if I need too. I also scared a teacher in Elementary school she thought I was a bit off kilter. *laugh* I've always enjoyed that, making people think there's something that really isn't there. I've always got something that makes people think twice about how they percieve me or so I think.

Heh, well I gotta go cuz my rambling have come to an end. SLeep I must needs sleep

So I got this call last night at a time I'm normally awake, but I wasn't. I was fast asleep. But I don't mind calls waking me up, what was wierd was I didn't wkae up all the way. I was still half asleep and you know how you sound like and arse when you answer the phone when you first wake up?

Hewwo?
You know kinda like Elmer Fudd

Yeah thats about how I sounded. But I don't remember the convo or what I said so now I'm sittin here trippin, thinking did I make an ass of myself as usual? or did I just dream the whole dayam thing? Oh well just a though on the day. Hey get yer ass to a BBQ cuz we need some eats!

I'm I'm feelin like so much better right now….I can't tell you how therapeutic it was to rip some heads off. I have to say though I still feel bad about Zoe, but she got the cool down. So it was better I would guess. I dunno anymore. I'm like all confused and I need to get me a TV!!!!! Yeah bay bee we shall see, we shall see! Yeah bay bee!

I think something in me had just snapped. Prolly a delayed reaction to a bit of stress I've been experiencing. I never really got offended or pissed about the whole ordeal. Though should have been, but I didn't. Appearantly I'm not as Zen as I thought, it was just waiting below ther surface to coe out> *shudder* I hope it don't happen again anytime soon. But then again as long as I'm left alone I'm ok. Like a dog on a chain, pissed until you let it run free.

So I spent a lot of time thinking last night and woke up really pissy. No real reason just pissy, then I began to think about what I was thinking about last night. Past relationships, phuck ups, the fact that I am a total waste and my parents are probably way disappointed in me.

I remember my youth and how I was shining star in school, I was an outgoing kid being involved in a lot of sports, picking up music. Always hungry for knowledge and studying, I never excelled in school, never really got good grades, but concepts and learning always fascinated me. I just never pushed my boundries as far as normal schooling. But each teacher I had would comment on how bright I was and I could feel my parents swell with pride. Only to have me turn out as I have now. Already dropped out of college twice. I'm well on my way to dropping out of every college in NM. YaY! And people said would I would never accomplish anything. I sit here once again a failure, I can't even find a different job. I'm to picky and whiny. WHy can't I just ever do anything right?

And then I share my thoughts with people, yeah mistake and a half. I've already gone on my self righteous trip about how I don't want lectures, blah blah with like five people. I feel sorry for one in particular, sorry Zoe. I dunno I'm just tired of the forced platitudes that people spew as soon as I say I'm down. Let me wallow in self pity for a bit people! Cripes, “Without sadness one will never know happiness”

Let me vent and just leave it at that, sorry I didn't spell it out and tell you oh yeah by the way I wanna wallow. But just let me be for once just say that sucks or thats shitty. Give me a hug and leave it at that. I know I'm sounding like the biggest asshole in the world, but I think my world has changed and I've been dragged back into a couple things I've left behind. My body and brain didn't even really react to the stress until SUn when I just felt listless and like crap. I think my mental function is finally responding to all the shite right now. It needs to break and I don't want different view points or cheery platitudes. I just want to let my mind work through it. I've always made it before and I'll make it again. I'm not dead am I? *sigh*

Yeah bastard am I once again I'm sorry to all those whose heads I bit off, but I just needed to explode, and you were the obvious targets. Sorry, I'll be a bastard somewhere else for a while. You wanna talk lets talk, but let it be known I am wallowing so leave it be. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

What was I thinking of? I don't remember, I keep waking up, and have not a clue what was running through my mind only a moment before. I'm up and awake! Why, why can't I just sleep? I close my eyes and watch images form and take shape…Then I wake up thrashing around again! Why? I just want to sleep…Is there something there for me to see? Do I need to learn some life lesson and apply it in life? Or is it true too many psychedelics can drive one mad? I don't feel mad. In fact I feel quite sane.
Is it stress? Well not really, I don't feel too much stress.
Could it be stemming form the whole loneliness thing? Prolly not I've been relatively happy as of late, not very many pangs of loneliness or even thoughts of it. Til now and me trying to figure this out. I've had a couple restless nights.
Seeing things out of the ordinary. *chuckle* I freaked my friend out and he's not so sure he wants to house sit for his father anymore. I was crashed out on the couch and I woke up, it was reasonably dark and I thought I saw an outline of someone in the hallway. So I called everybody's name that was in the house hoping for a response. No go. Then I saw eyes, CRIPES, I like passed out again, Mmmmm like drunken stupors, they take you at some opportune times.
I dunno what ever is causing this needs to stop, cuz I miss sleep. What is it?
Do you know?

And it has been officially announced! It's crackday! Yeah BAY BEE!!! So go out and get your crack…better yet share the wealth and send some crack to friends.
http://www,virtualcrack.com
Most of all I think we should just join hands and light'er up as a show of our unity!

Heh UNITY I like that werd, so I've decided Tuesday is a good day for a celebration so come on over everybody! You know who you are, joini the fun and smoek a bit oh crack, ja?
I still need a new job

This weekend was slow once Sat night was over. As I said before my woes should be over for quite a while. This weekend also made me realize what great friends I have. When I finally made it over to Josh's house in the middle of the night I saw it in everybody's eyes. The whole they would run in and throw down for me if they had too. It made me realize all through life I've always kept people at a distance. Especially my ex-fiance, I realy can't blame her for leaving me now that I think about it.
It's good to know I finally belong, to know I have people to count on and that they know they can count on me. Really a unique feeling and kick ass. It's wierd to realize all of this so belatedly. Like so much has gone on in my life that I could have used this wisdom before. Oh well live and learn. Just get up and move on. Right?
I think the wierdest part of the past week is tha fact that I've realized how mortal I am. Through all of my earlier life I never thought aout death or how it would affect me. Or the fact that body needed certain things like sleep. This week was kind a of a wake up call as Sunday hit and I just felt like absolute crap. But I think its was just because my body realized things were finished and over. It's over and I'm gonna get a TV now. Just need more time, it heals all wounds doesn't it?

So my worries are over, the little piss ant who dared to cross me will get his. Its good to know that I can still count on good friends. I dunno i'm kind of a flux funk lately. I wanna go out but I don't I wanna chill with friends, but I want time to myself. I dunno specially since Thurs night I've needed time to kind of contemplate and think about stuff. My past is a bit dark and I don't tell a lot of people about it, but it always feels dayam good to tell people I trust about it. I dunno its kind of wierd that I normally don't talk as much as I have within the last few weeks on this journal. I guess its the whole self examination/gimmie some feed back damn it thing. So the day goes on and I go with it, to only find something greater. Right? I need a new job.

So my place of employment tells me that I have o ask to go to the bathroom? WTF is this? If I become impotent because of this I'm suing, you lack luster sons of bitches!!!! Do you hear me? Grrrrr I was having a pretty good day til now!