I'm I'm feelin like so much better right now….I can't tell you how therapeutic it was to rip some heads off. I have to say though I still feel bad about Zoe, but she got the cool down. So it was better I would guess. I dunno anymore. I'm like all confused and I need to get me a TV!!!!! Yeah bay bee we shall see, we shall see! Yeah bay bee!

I think something in me had just snapped. Prolly a delayed reaction to a bit of stress I've been experiencing. I never really got offended or pissed about the whole ordeal. Though should have been, but I didn't. Appearantly I'm not as Zen as I thought, it was just waiting below ther surface to coe out> *shudder* I hope it don't happen again anytime soon. But then again as long as I'm left alone I'm ok. Like a dog on a chain, pissed until you let it run free.

So I spent a lot of time thinking last night and woke up really pissy. No real reason just pissy, then I began to think about what I was thinking about last night. Past relationships, phuck ups, the fact that I am a total waste and my parents are probably way disappointed in me.

I remember my youth and how I was shining star in school, I was an outgoing kid being involved in a lot of sports, picking up music. Always hungry for knowledge and studying, I never excelled in school, never really got good grades, but concepts and learning always fascinated me. I just never pushed my boundries as far as normal schooling. But each teacher I had would comment on how bright I was and I could feel my parents swell with pride. Only to have me turn out as I have now. Already dropped out of college twice. I'm well on my way to dropping out of every college in NM. YaY! And people said would I would never accomplish anything. I sit here once again a failure, I can't even find a different job. I'm to picky and whiny. WHy can't I just ever do anything right?

And then I share my thoughts with people, yeah mistake and a half. I've already gone on my self righteous trip about how I don't want lectures, blah blah with like five people. I feel sorry for one in particular, sorry Zoe. I dunno I'm just tired of the forced platitudes that people spew as soon as I say I'm down. Let me wallow in self pity for a bit people! Cripes, “Without sadness one will never know happiness”

Let me vent and just leave it at that, sorry I didn't spell it out and tell you oh yeah by the way I wanna wallow. But just let me be for once just say that sucks or thats shitty. Give me a hug and leave it at that. I know I'm sounding like the biggest asshole in the world, but I think my world has changed and I've been dragged back into a couple things I've left behind. My body and brain didn't even really react to the stress until SUn when I just felt listless and like crap. I think my mental function is finally responding to all the shite right now. It needs to break and I don't want different view points or cheery platitudes. I just want to let my mind work through it. I've always made it before and I'll make it again. I'm not dead am I? *sigh*

Yeah bastard am I once again I'm sorry to all those whose heads I bit off, but I just needed to explode, and you were the obvious targets. Sorry, I'll be a bastard somewhere else for a while. You wanna talk lets talk, but let it be known I am wallowing so leave it be. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED