This week, whoa! Thats about all I can think….though, this morning it was more like holy crap! The thought running through my mind was I have a GF! EEP! I mean I'm not single any more, am I gonna be a good guy? Am I gonna screw things up? Do I see a future with said gf? I dunno it was like it all kinda hit me today, don't ask me why, or how, but it did and it frlipped me out. I was on the verge of sayin lets just end it and be friends again. Luckly I have people around me who listen to me and my fears and smack me upside tha head and tell me to chill out. Yeah she was one of em, but it was like muy scary, and my feeble mind couldn't handle it. You have to realize Ima kidd who advertisers love, its brightly colored and flashes I want it. Or if it entertains me for more than a half hour I wanna meet the creator. Speaking of which I dare you to IM Smarterchild. Hehe silly AIM robot, that thing had me entertained for almost a solid hour. Then it started spewing things about how it could help me, that was no fun.

Anywho back to the freak out problem. Yeah maybe it just dawned on me that I'm not single anymore, I mean I've been single for a looooong time, and my last gf was a total psycho….Am I experiencing the fear of a repeat? Does she strike me as the type who has the potential to go nuts and totally screw me over like my ex? Ohhhhhhhhhh thats gotta be it, its ex related. BLAH!!!! BLAH to my ex!!!! ANyway like I said I got smacked around and now I'm better, but whooaaaaaaaaaaa! I have a gf! EEPA!

Time to celebrate boyos!!!!!

If I ever have a chance, I'm gonna make sure I can afford a festiva….why you may ask…Well because I like skates
Rachel in tha UK while drunk

Silly Brits……

Check it out

Sounds like a good idea, but as they say, money hungry corperations are gonna kill it.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I TOTALLY HAD TO POST THIS ONE!!!!

so the chicken and the egg are lying in bed together and the egg smugly turns to the chicken saying, “well, i guess we know the answer to that one.”

Thanx

DO you not believe me? Does the twitch in my eye, leg, hand, finger, or foot, not convince you of my calmness? I have to be calm, very zen, actually I think I need some food in my stomach, no sleep and no food, bad combo, specially when you throw in 2 pots of coffee in a vain attempt to stay awake. No my tummy is in turmoil, and I'm still in shock, revelations of last night, the sleepless night have made me happy, yet I lack the strength to properly convey my happiness or pleasure at this turn of events. Oh well I suppose I should get back to work and attempt to pretend to know what I am doing while on the phones. Good luck, Agent KickSomeMajorAss

I just don't know what to say….

Everything is a blur, a fragment of coherant thought. I think and it fractures, I try and concentrate on the fractures and they become sounds. Garbled sentences form garbled statements which I utter, and realize that I should have kept these things to myself. I walkaround in a daze, thinking about how much sleep I would enjoy, I was sick yesterday and now I can't sleep. I need to just sleep and find a bit of solitude. Something to stop the fracture.

Something to just stop it! Something, something, something…..something just make it stop. I can't concentrate, I am deleriously happy and satisfied, yet nothing makes sense, nothing I say makes sense. I can't make any sense. I just sit here and stare at my screen, praying that some email will trickle into my inbox so I can stay off the phones. Think is not my strong point, neither is coherancy. I can't speel I can't think I can't concentrate.

The downward spiral has started, just one step closer to the brink. Everything is hazy or just doesn't make immediate sense. Can I make it to the Dragon? Can I go on today like this? Will I survive and be able to pull this day off? I just need it need it.

When you have insomnia, you're never really awake, and you're never really asleep….

How true, must get sleep, help me heeeeelp me……

I sit here thinking, and wondering, what exactly do I want and how will I go about it? And when I do figure these things out will it be the right answer? Will I always be able to trust my own judgement? I've made so many bad calls before, whats to stop this or any future decisions from bein the proverbial bad call? I mean, cripes, all the bad calls, ended up bein on the razor's edge of bein disasterous. One, I broke up with my fiance, and then visited her a couple weeks later, yeah bad idea specially when I met the new bf. I mean granted I came away from that unscathed while he went to the hospital with two broken arms, the fact is he wanted to hurt me. If it weren't for the fact that i'm a clutz and stumbled backwards and watched him tumbled past me to meet the ground down at the bottom of the stairs with his face.

On to the second bad mistake, hook up with an ex gf for the proverbial “last boost”. You know try and build up some padding in the coffers before I finish my move to be a law abiding citizen. Well she chose the wrong car, even I could've chosen a better one on the fly. I think she ultimately wanted to have me get caught, because the alarm goes of on her car just as the starter kill kicks in on mine as I try to cruise down the street. She books it over the fence, I follow to see her hop into a waiting car. Whoa whoa whoa I may be a slow kid but I can see a double cross that blunt. So I've decided I don't like police sirens, especially since it took me almost a half hour to lose the cops on my ass. BITCH!

Third, a life changing experience. Lets just say I listened to someone when they said the dosage would be fine. Well waking up in the ER was just a bad thing, specially since the effects had yet to wear off. Grrrrrr, don't listen to street bums *laugh* actually once again don't deal with ex gfs.

Anyway, for the current decision. All signs point to not a very good idea, but still its the whole allure of the excitement? It sounds like a good idea right now, but where will it end up? Is it worth the risk of the worst case scenerio? WHat the hell was today about anyway(Refer to previous entry)? Oh well I guess they were right when they said it's best to sleep on some things.

For the next 24 hrs all your decision making privilages have been removed

Maybe I need someone to tell me this and make the decision for me. Might make things prettier.

This weekend was a bit on the trippy side. Hrm, how to begin, alright lets start with the fact that I detest my job, hate it with a passion, the main reason I stay….It's the only job I can make that kind of money with minimal contact with grouchy customers. Not only that, the service industry is in a bit of a slump, so I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be making the money I used to make bein a waiter.

Anyway I left work pretty grouchy Sat night, went and got some pizza and calmed down with a couple beers. Went to a party, 1 of 4, *smirk* I didn't make it to the other 3, WHOOPS! Sorry everybody. But I began to cheer up in a major way, and due to my new reslove was enjoying the night. Imagine making what you thought of at one point as being a mistake. But while you are making this so called “mistake”, it doesn't feel like one. Now, imagine that the next day things aren't wierd as you thought they would be, they are actually pretty dayam close to normal. Yet another strike against its title as “mistake”. No imagine one last night, and waking up today the same. This “mistake” is it really a “blessing” in disguise?? Or is it just merely another, shoulda thought it through a lil bit more. Who knows, but it was sure a fun weekend, should do it gaian I think.

Today was really wierd though, I woke up and went for a wquick jaunt on my roller blades. Let me tell you there is nothing funnier than a chubby Indian on wheeled boots, let me tell you. At least that was my perception when I saw myself in the store front windows. (*Word to the wise, do not blade with weak arches* They blow up like freakin ballons. I had to limp home they got so bad.) Anyway, The whole day was like a perpetual motion deja vue machine.

You ever looked at someone or a certain car and thought that you should see more to it or possibly “remember” more to it. Like something is missing when you look at that particular thing. You look at it and its like there are gaps in your memory or even gaps in recollection of even glacning at the objects only moments before. What ever it was it was annoying and I had plenty of those moments on my walk back to my apt. Thinking it was over and I had nothing else to worry about I continued about my day, you know moving things around so my house looked cleaner and what not. When I sat on my porch for a lil while and had the same feeling. The whole deja vue thing, so I was like alright I'll go to my parents, you know safe haven, good place to be in uncertain times. Well as I'm about to make a couple calls me mum calls and asks me to take my lil sis to her lesson. WOW, spooky! I told her I was already on my way. But yeah the feeling of major deja vue, is disappating, but it kinda reminds me of Dark City. If you've seen it you'd understand.

Well I'm outtie and who knows, mayhap the “mistake” was actually a “kick ass idea”. Not only that “mistake” normally comes with differing feelinsg in the morning doesn't it?

I am, and I have finally realized this, I sit around a brood, I do nothing to make myself happy. So I'm back to I'm gonna make my life freakin fantabulous! Sounds like fun, right? I'm sure you're asking yourself, how the hells will he pull this off? Well you see I plan on doing this in one of two ways:

The first being, totally deluding myself and not allowing reality to make its mark on my psyche and just ignoring all the bad in the world. Granted this method is probably the beginnings to re-admittance to a psychiatric ward, it should prove fun non the less. (Think about it, once yer in you can do what ever you want because well, yer crazy) I've hear that statement and my name put together many a time. Might as well just prove em all right.

The second method takes a lot more effort on my part:

I go around in my new found happiness and attempt to share it with those I come in contact with, a simple smile or a kind word and a quick shared laugh. In doing so I am in essence creating a new atmosphere. This atmosphere should theoretically follow me and spread, and when I have this sphere of good will I will be content and will make other happy.

Personally, I like the deluding party right now, as I said its gonna be tough with the second option but, hey I guess thats a bit of life right? Ah well Im outta here, just needed to make a bit of a watse of space.

And that's it. But I”m awake, how odd is that? There times when I would first wake up that I would stare at the wall that you see in my pic. Kind of just wonder what other people saw in it. Hehe here's an odd convo:

sanchezaj162324: so what is new in your life? new girl?
GlubGlub56: hahaha, nah new girl indicates even less money
GlubGlub56: can't afford one right now
sanchezaj162324: good point….it is really funny that a person has to think about money when he wants a girl friend
sanchezaj162324: they cost a lot….you could get a dog and it would be a lot cheaper and a lot more loyal and friendly
GlubGlub56: and they shed about the same
GlubGlub56: *chuckle*
sanchezaj162324: yeah that is ture
sanchezaj162324: true
GlubGlub56: I have to admit though most women smell better than a dog
sanchezaj162324: that is a valid point

You know I was thinking about the whole religion thing, and a quote came to mind.

“People who cease to believe in God or goodness all together still believe in the devil. I don't know why. No, I do indeed know why. Evil is always possible. And goodness is eternally difficult.”
Anne Rice, Interview with a Vampire

Very well put, I suppose it doesn't explain why people can be so lax in their beliefs, but its makes me feel good to know that someone has thought of it before. Straight up out!

DEVIL thy name is !!!!!
More random nuttiness:

GlubGlub56: I'm about to post our convo
Froggergirliee: this one?
GlubGlub56: yeah from the whole non-conformist thing
Froggergirliee: no where near as interesting as some of our others
GlubGlub56: yeah well as I said its just an inkling
Froggergirliee: hehe
GlubGlub56: dood reading it all over agin makes me laugh
GlubGlub56: its easier for me to hear our voices
Froggergirliee: lol
Froggergirliee: imagine talking?
GlubGlub56: der?
Froggergirliee: like really talking
GlubGlub56: whoa
GlubGlub56: right over me head
Froggergirliee: happen a lot?
Froggergirliee:
GlubGlub56: hehehe
GlubGlub56: yeah I once thought of building a wall to try and catch em
GlubGlub56: they were just at too high of an altitude to catch though
Froggergirliee: lol
Froggergirliee: rofl
GlubGlub56: you dressin up for halloween?
Froggergirliee: I want to
Froggergirliee: but I have no ideas
GlubGlub56: yeah I have a cou[ple
GlubGlub56: but I would never be able to pull em off
GlubGlub56: I was thinking the tick
GlubGlub56: but he's rather muscular and well…white
GlubGlub56: *laugh*
Froggergirliee: LOL
Froggergirliee: that would be funny as hell
GlubGlub56: oh oh I could be like the old tick
GlubGlub56: or the old elvis
Froggergirliee: I just need a camera
GlubGlub56: por que?
GlubGlub56: *laugh*
GlubGlub56: I just say that Zest commercial
GlubGlub56: that old lady in the elevator cracks me up
Froggergirliee: huh?
GlubGlub56: er….saw
GlubGlub56: The New Scent of Bob commercial
GlubGlub56: you seen it?
GlubGlub56: everybody keeps sniff him cuz he “smells so good”
GlubGlub56: hahahaha
GlubGlub56: snickers cruncher
GlubGlub56: the guys sellin lil talkin doll thingies which say stuff
Froggergirliee: too much tv for you
GlubGlub56: “I think our sisters pretty”
GlubGlub56: “wussup?”
Froggergirliee: lol
GlubGlub56: “not if you were the last man on earth”
GlubGlub56: and people are stoppin on em
GlubGlub56: its great!
GlubGlub56: yeah mayhap a bit too much Tis Vis
Froggergirliee: just a little
GlubGlub56: hey I lead a boring life
GlubGlub56: I need something to fill that void
Froggergirliee: that's what you have me for
GlubGlub56: lets see
GlubGlub56: Heather or funny ass TV
GlubGlub56: *weighing options*
Froggergirliee signed off at 3:21:04 AM.
Froggergirliee signed on at 3:21:07 AM.
Froggergirliee: that sucked
GlubGlub56: well I didn't intend to weigh my options so long
Froggergirliee: kernel error
Froggergirliee: EEP!!
GlubGlub56: but I put in a new movie, got more cookies and killed all the lights
Froggergirliee: lol
GlubGlub56: eck the kernel is going AWOL!
Froggergirliee: lol
GlubGlub56: but I decided I prefer you
Froggergirliee: awwwww
GlubGlub56: the TV doesn't look as good in tight jeans
Froggergirliee:
Froggergirliee: kiss up
GlubGlub56: and 10lb breasts how can you go WRONG?!?
GlubGlub56: *laugh*
GlubGlub56: yeah wel like I said I gotta get al tha brownie points I can
Froggergirliee: rofl
GlubGlub56: I tend to burn em quick with my smart ass
Froggergirliee: hehe
Froggergirliee: see if you were going to post a convo, that would be funny
Froggergirliee:
GlubGlub56: though is it really considered smart if I keep puttin my foot in my mouth

So here is an inkling of how convos with go:

Froggergirliee: whatever
Froggergirliee:
GlubGlub56: hehe
GlubGlub56: something I can sink my teeth into finally
GlubGlub56: good lord
Froggergirliee: LOL
GlubGlub56: all the tick sites I'm going to don't exist anymore
Froggergirliee: hehe
Froggergirliee: sorry
Froggergirliee: So I want a new tatoo
GlubGlub56: oh yeah?
GlubGlub56: whatcha want?
GlubGlub56: and where?
Froggergirliee: yeah
Froggergirliee: same area, opposite side
GlubGlub56: kewl
GlubGlub56: so whatcha feel like?
Froggergirliee: something pagan
GlubGlub56: *nod*
GlubGlub56: ohhh something intricate
GlubGlub56: like a nifty cletic cross
GlubGlub56: er…celtic
Froggergirliee: I want to look up some wiccan symbols and see
GlubGlub56: *nod*nod*
GlubGlub56: haha so I was talking to this self proclaimed “non-conformist”
GlubGlub56: and she sent me a pic of her tatoo and I was like hey didn't I see that at my local tatoo shop in their lil book with the number 65?
GlubGlub56: you know a joke
GlubGlub56: but she tells me I'm right she picked it off the wall
GlubGlub56: non-conformist, hey?
GlubGlub56: heh
Froggergirliee: rofl
GlubGlub56: and Golum doesn't sound anything like I remember, when I watched this cartoon when I was younger
Froggergirliee: lost me there
GlubGlub56: oh I'm watching the Return of the King cartoom
Froggergirliee signed off at 2:20:17 AM.
Froggergirliee signed on at 2:20:21 AM.
Froggergirliee: der
GlubGlub56: wb
Froggergirliee: ??
Froggergirliee: duh
Froggergirliee: nvrmind
Froggergirliee: brain fart
GlubGlub56: hehe
GlubGlub56: yeah they make funny noises sometimes
Froggergirliee: LOL
GlubGlub56: those brains
Froggergirliee: they do the darndest things
GlubGlub56: yeah well appearantly I haven't been in contact with mine for many ayear
Froggergirliee: LOL
Froggergirliee: *yawn*
GlubGlub56: someone gettin sweepy?
Froggergirliee signed off at 2:36:07 AM.
Froggergirliee signed on at 2:36:16 AM.
Froggergirliee: jeez
GlubGlub56: wow
GlubGlub56: server no like NPH
Froggergirliee: no kidding
Froggergirliee: lol
GlubGlub56: No net for YOU!
Froggergirliee: guess not
GlubGlub56: bummer I was enjoying pointless convos
Froggergirliee: yeah well…
Froggergirliee:
GlubGlub56: hehehe
GlubGlub56: yeah well is that all you have to say?
Froggergirliee:

Its just kinda there ya know and you just kind of live it and enjoy it from time to time right? So why is it that the majority of the populace seems to be a bit sad. AT all times not just with times of great calamity. Does life seem so bleak? Does it just not seem to be worth any happiness at all?

Lately I've been a bit of a funk, and the recent events seem to have heightned that effect. Right now I'm tired, tired of defending my point of view. Tired of attempting to show others a different perspective. And most of all I'm tired of dealing with bullshit and close minded assholes. I mean go figure. It all kinda culminated into a long Sat night of me staring at the grass in front of my apt and wishing I had a cig. I had plans to go out, but regretfully I punked out and proceeded to decline all offers to go out last night. It started with me getting home and thinking about what kind of person could go to such extreme acts, and moved on to the state we are in. This blind war state, do we even have a target? If we are dealing with terrorists what good would “WAR” do? The most we could do is make people suffer as we have, but make those suffer who had nothing to do with it. I don't know this is just irking me.

Another thing that seemed to peev me was how people rushed to church because of catastrophe. I don't know but,if you need answers or comfort in believing in that greater power why do you just run to it at convenience. To many preachers and not enough livers I guess is is my complaint. Kinda irks me as well, you know those who seem to misrepresent who and what they are. So here I am at my parents after a nice dinner and great dessert of cookies! Think about these things and realizing I shouldn't be down or angry about these things. They will work themselves out as they always seem to. I think what I need most is a cig. Got one ?

Here is a funny quote:

Women are the goalies of sex. Men are taught to keep taking shot after shot, meanwhile the women are doing all they can to block: kicksaves, glovesaves, sticking it to the side of the net. Men will do anything they can to score a goal even if they knock it in off of another defender because men can be satisfied with only a few goals.

This entry was in 's LJ:

Read it Here

In its own odd way. Today while at work, we had bomb threat, now normally I would celebrate, but today some added opression was in the air. Until I realized the bomb threat was for another building in the complex, yet it was good to get off the phones and just be out in the sunshine throwin the football. I think we need more afternoons like that, not necessarily due to a bomb threat but you konw a good day of tossin the ball when we should be workin. Good way to get rid of a bit o stress.

My dreams have taken another turn, no longer are they the nice trippnotic visions of what I may want to see at the time. They now have lives of their own, they show me things from my past, possibl futures, and worst of all what is worst in me. I see what I have and can become. I don't like it, I never have, I think I've been running from it for the majority of my life. I did embrace it one time in my life, but that was the ultimate mistake and now I'm still paying for it. Why don't I just find a way to conquer it, you might ask. Well truth be told I realy don't know how it would be possible to rid my self of these things. After all in a wierd way they help make me, well, me. I don't know I'm just confused, put off, and yet strangely pulled towards this side of me which I have pretty much given up for dead. Who knows. Oh well enough speculation its time to just go go go, I'm tired of work today.

I crashed out on my floor last night in my living room and woke up to my TV's timer flicking it on and to the news reports of this tragedy. It was so dream like I watched it with kind of a dispassionate eye, because I felt as if I was still dreaming and hadn't woken up. Then it finally hit me as I listen to the reports and eat my cereal, this has happened. My once thought saftey was no longer applicable. We are not the impenatrable country we once thought. Within hours lives were lost and affected. Its sad and I wish all those affected some semblence of comfort in the coming days.

It's interesting as well, because once again I've been branded as heartless or unfeeling because I do not show how this effects me. My poker face has been put into place once again. I just don't understand how people seem to consider me without feeling because I don't “share” all my feelings. At times it is better to just deal with it and be someone people can turn to for support, right? This sucks, I went to bed feeling safe, now I feel vulnerable.