I don't know really what to say besides, Im lost have been for a while and am just now waking up to a reality which does not play nice with the lost lil kidd. The reality I am becoming aware of is a reality in which I question myself and my motives for what I do and want. I question everything that comes into my life the good and the bad. I get irritated easily especially by those I call my friends, because for some strange irrational reason my mind thinks they should know the rules that I am playing by and what I expect their reactions to be to me. Its a world where I sit and contemplate life and the world for far too long. Were the contemplation or simple questions become big problems or big concerns for me. This reality is not kind to someone like me, someone who is used to coasting through life and letting everything resolve itself. I now realize that I need to do things and make things happen.

I have been attempting to do just that lately, but not even that works anymore or is really a guarentee that I will get what I want. I dreamt last night:

The dream was the same really, just experiencing things and seeing the world in an altered form. This time I could make out distinct voices and words in the whispers that normally accompany me in my quests into my subconcious. The voices were my doubts and my fears given voice. I normally ignore them so they are nothing but whispers at the edge of my conciousness as I explore my dreamscapes. Something is giving them more power, something is providing them with a more real feeling. They can now affect my dreams and change events when I listen to them. Last night my dream began with me and my gf sitting in a couch in some obscure house. We got up and headed to the movies when we ran into a bunch of our friends and we went to the movies together. No biggie had a good time and such, but they began to grate on my nerves. They kept insisting I go somewhere with them when it was clear I didn't want to go, I just wanted to go home. But the guilt trips began, and I began to really become irked until finally I left the clearing which we had hiked too. The nice part was this was a clearing I've seen and been to in a previous dream. The trail was as I remember it as well. But I moved on and started to make my way to the town we were near, for some reason it was some backwater town where segregation and racial hatred was common place. There was this family driving by as I opened my car door and they were accosted by some “Good Ole” boys. He immediately punched the gas and I thought it would be smart for me to do the same.

They started shooting, and killed the son and wife, the man jumped out and looked at me. I won't forget the lok, that of pure terror and one of unbelief. He ran and I followed, again we ran down a familiar ally and hoped a fence, one I've hoped many times beforein my dreams. How ever when I ran across the yard and tried to jump from a dirt pile that is always there, a voice became clear and question whether or not I could make it. My jump fell short and I felt my breath explode from my lungs as I hit the edge of the roof I was trying to scale. I hung there for a moment until I felt a bullet slice through my calf. Then another voice emerged from my normal whispers and screamed “PASS OUT!” I did.

When I awake it was day, I immediately attempted to stopthe blood flow and started to make my way towards the nearest way out of this town. The voices where there as always, but rather than the soft insistant whispers, they were grumblings and mutterings of discontent. I finally made it to a recognizable street when I saw some of the “Good Ole” boys, in a truck down the road. I immediately turned to sprint in the opposite direction. As I turned I saw a girl with the greenest eyes I have ever seen, she smiled and turned to follow me. I ran into the nearest building hoping to find sanctuary, sadly it was not, two of the guys came in followed by the girl. We could sign up for computer time at some terminals, which I did hoping they would leave before I did, all three followed suit, except the girl and I did not sit down at the terminals. The guys did and were stuck within an enclosure which would not allow them out til their time was up. The girl took my had and led me out of the building, we ran to my car and started to open the doors to get in, when the last antagonist saw me. He gunned the truck and I threw the keys to her as I tried to sprint across the street. I hear the squealing of tires and acceleration of the truck as I jumped straight up. I fell againand felt the blow on my chest, yet it wasn't as long a fall as I thought. I opened my eyes and found my self on the hood. So I did the natural thing and climbed into the cab throuh the window. The driver and I immediately started to grapple, I didn't like it because a voice kept nagging that I couldn't win. The fighting felt like a stalemate I couldn't do a thing about it, he pulled a knife and had slashed my hand, when I woke up. I stared at the ceiling for a moment and then I rolle dover to hug my gf. I shook my hand and felt the pin pricks indicating my hand was asleep the same hand which had been injured.

I dreamed, and in my dream the voices had the ability to change events. I don't like it, when I dream next I will be in control. I will be. What I really want though is happiness and some sort of semblence of intelligence with those people I talk too at work. Time to cruise across the city to my house and take a 15 imn nap. I will dream tonight