I have been broken, and will always be broken, as the conventional world sees me.

I have no wish to be fixed
I have no wish to be normalized

I am me and thats all I will be
Nothing more than me

You want to fix me?!?
You want to make me normal?!?

Ok, fix me
Make me normal

What do you mean you can't?
What do you mean I'll never be normal?

Oh alright just one more shot
Just one more pill…..

I often wonder why the world wanted to change me when I was younger. I never really thought about it, when I look back at what was kept from my childhood, I was quit gifted. Not to be a braggart or anything, but I need to just kind of say that before I continue with this entry. I did quite interesting things for bein such a young child, I was pretty good with my drawing and sketching, I was really good at research and learning when there were topics of interest. I was also very good at learning the facts that my teachers wanted regurgitated back to them. I heard words like genius and gifted thrown from teacher to teacher and teacher to parent. I had such promise, I had such a bright future. As I grew older though, I began to see the world a bit differently, it became bleak and pointless. This culminated into an attempt to get away from it all. It was foiled as you may see in a previous entry. Now I am alive, and wondering what I did with all that promise, with the bright future I once had. I talk to my gf now and it feels as if, Im now dumb, I don't have all the answers like I used too, I don't have the interesting thoughts or colors flowing through my head that I once did. texture is really beginning to grate on me, if it doesn't seem to feel good I want nothing to do with it.

Im beginning to lose hope and faith, I can't even find a low paying lame ass job in this bunk ass town. I've heard no so many times it makes me want to retch, I've heard them say that I am talented and motivated but Im not right for their company/position/what ever they can think up right then. I am beginning to doubt myself, and all that I thought of myself. My confidence is waning, as is my belief in everything happening for a reason. I need money and need it now.

Of the world is skewed, as is most of the things which involve me or have anything to do with being a part of me. I can't imagine what the world would be like through another's eyes, I can't imagine not being able to see the world as I see it. I really couldn't imagine not being able to share that world with . It would make life so bland and useless. I keep sitting here and thinking that job will appear shortly, and it appears as if it might be. I had an interview which went very well this morning and hopefully the other interviewees will BOMB!! Heh, I really shouldn't be thinking thoughts like that, but ya know survival of the one who actually came pay his bills and such.

I think in colors, I think in textures, I've realized this because a lot of the food I don't like or eat is not normally anything to do with taste, but more of texture and coloring, it seems to really make or break the food that I am attempting imbibe. I think there is a lot about cooking that I do differently from the world too, take cooking with for example. I don't think there is one time we've ever agreed on how to cook any type of dish, we always have differeing opinions. Fun, yet irritating, as it seems like there is always something to criticize when I cook, or some comment about how Im not doing it right. Irks me for but a moment, but ya know still irksome from time to time.

Yeah I know, kind of a cop out but it really only irks me for that moment and its gone, as she is fond of saying, Im just wierd, or as most others say it, a freaq of nature. I always will be and hopefully people will see the world as I do and experience it, maybe we'd have a few more happy peeps.

I laid there waiting for the inevitable. I closed my eyes for the final time, and waited for my last breath to echo in my head. It never came. My breath continued its rythmic inhale/exhale as I tried to lose myself. I hear a loud crash in the background and the lone wail of an ambulence. I began to fade out as I felt hands grasp me and vainly try and staunch the blood flow from my wrists. The harsh lights of an emergency room invaded my sight as I tried to have my life end sooner. I passed out.

I awoke in a bed tubes in and out of me, with haggard worn relatives gathering around me. With a deep sigh I passed out again and tried to forget what I had been denied. I once thought I was dead, but now I am alive, and sickeningly enough happy to be so.

I don't know how or why, but one person has given me more happiness than almost anything I've ever been a part of or experienced. I once thought I was dead emotionally, now Im not, I haven't been for a while, but I had many people asking what caused this inner deadness. I couldn't tell you, I may have seen a lot I may have experienced a lot, but I know peeps who have on a much harsher and deeper level. I suppose a lot of thos experiences have made me who and what I am, to change any of those would make me a diff person. It's kinda funny cuz and I had this convo a few nights ago. She has accepted every part of me and all my lil deep dark secrets. She has seen the world as I have seen it and doesn't pass judgement. She understands that I am not like everybody else and never will be and measure my success by different standards than most people. We also both realize that had life turned out different or had we not experienced life as we had, we would not be the people we are or in the same position we are in now. Had I not dropped out of school, had I not lost a god prospect while during my last job hunt, had I not kept in touch with old friends. None of this having a gf or being engaged would have happened. Things from the past hurt and they always will, yet without that past I wouldn't be me. I guess Im kinda ramblin but I just wanted to say that I am who I am and thats all I'll ever be, and to thank everybody who takes the time outta their day to pay attention to who I am and acknowledge I am a good person. Ack this is a sappy entry!

Why is it that everything I write or type seems to sound so good in my head?!? I mean it sounds good and looks good the first time around, but when I read it sober I realize how damaging and potentially lame it is. It sounded as if things happened that didn't, it sounds as if I might have feelings that could damage a relationship I am in right now. All I can say is as I read it I felt kinda disturbed as you did, I couldn't even try and fix it so now it is deleted. Why?!? I prefer not to remember such lame mistakes, except for future reference so I can avoid this mistake again. Im glad that you have that attitude of water under the bridge, and I thank you for your unconditional love. I really do love you bay bee. Anyways I just needed to write this real quick inbetween my job search and such.

As for the new year, its here and its only gonna get better right?!? I just need steady money. ANyways only five more months and such. We shall reflect on what I am thinking later, for now I am happy.