I laid there waiting for the inevitable. I closed my eyes for the final time, and waited for my last breath to echo in my head. It never came. My breath continued its rythmic inhale/exhale as I tried to lose myself. I hear a loud crash in the background and the lone wail of an ambulence. I began to fade out as I felt hands grasp me and vainly try and staunch the blood flow from my wrists. The harsh lights of an emergency room invaded my sight as I tried to have my life end sooner. I passed out.

I awoke in a bed tubes in and out of me, with haggard worn relatives gathering around me. With a deep sigh I passed out again and tried to forget what I had been denied. I once thought I was dead, but now I am alive, and sickeningly enough happy to be so.

I don't know how or why, but one person has given me more happiness than almost anything I've ever been a part of or experienced. I once thought I was dead emotionally, now Im not, I haven't been for a while, but I had many people asking what caused this inner deadness. I couldn't tell you, I may have seen a lot I may have experienced a lot, but I know peeps who have on a much harsher and deeper level. I suppose a lot of thos experiences have made me who and what I am, to change any of those would make me a diff person. It's kinda funny cuz and I had this convo a few nights ago. She has accepted every part of me and all my lil deep dark secrets. She has seen the world as I have seen it and doesn't pass judgement. She understands that I am not like everybody else and never will be and measure my success by different standards than most people. We also both realize that had life turned out different or had we not experienced life as we had, we would not be the people we are or in the same position we are in now. Had I not dropped out of school, had I not lost a god prospect while during my last job hunt, had I not kept in touch with old friends. None of this having a gf or being engaged would have happened. Things from the past hurt and they always will, yet without that past I wouldn't be me. I guess Im kinda ramblin but I just wanted to say that I am who I am and thats all I'll ever be, and to thank everybody who takes the time outta their day to pay attention to who I am and acknowledge I am a good person. Ack this is a sappy entry!