Only seems to make sense for short periods of time. Then the inevitable curve ball is thrown and I have no idea what is going on again. Try as one might to keep things going well it seems that one misplaced word or action seems to crush the balance. I just don't know what to do sometimes I feel lost right now, everything I do or say seems to destroy things which are going well. I can't think anymore, things that made sense now don't, and the happy world I once knew is now descending back into that gloomy gray it has been for so long.

Before everybody thinks this is all about my relationship with , its only a part of why things seem to be going this way, most of the time its my only highlight. I just need something…”new”?…

Been a while since I've written this but I finaly felt the urge to post it. Its a psuedo song that I wrote one night, if I could remember the circumstances I would be happy to share, sadly its jus been one of those things you have hanging out forever.

Why do you keep needling me?
Keep pushing on the pin
I just want out of this pain

You keep pushing harder and harder
Just quit it, just quit it
You keep trying to tear me down
Just did it, just did it

I could't imagine my life without you
Keep pushing the pin
Now I want you out of my brain

Stop pushing harder ahd harder
Just quit it, just quit it
You can't keep tearing me down
Wish you did it, wish you did it

Life has moved on without you
Try and push now
I just left you out in the rain

Can't push any harder
Just quit it, just quit it
Your hold on me is over
You couldn't do it, you couldn't do it

Just get out of my life
JUST STOP THE PAIN!

This is 's journal who've I've been lurking on for a long time, and they've got some good views and a lot of stuff I agree with, especially this latest post: CLICK HERE!
I wish other people saw it this way, would make for a better atmosphere nowdays.

and I seem to be enjoying them all. Today should have made me a bitter mofo. But, I managed to get some happiness out of it, I made no money I had bitchy tables and yet I left work smiling. I suppose that could be because all my co-workers got me quite tipsey before I had to pick up at school. Eep appearantly a lil money and a lotta talk can take you a long way. We were playin ring toss today its where you take a bev nap turn it into a ring and toss it at the gathered liquor, well needeless to say when you ring one you gotta take a shot of what ever it lands on. EEP! Well three shots of vodka and one of crown later I realized, hey the rest of everybody else isn't trying to so hard. BASTARDS!!! Well I let them have a peice of my mind , so they bought my shots Mmmmmm, goooooooo me! So yeah now the plan is to go galactic bowling tomorrow and walk from the alley to 's work to help her close and go home, wow I like my life sometimes. So yeah Im pretty happy, do you dare me to find something not so happy?

On a side note we only had one bill collector call today!!!!!! Whoot whoot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know I sit around and I bitch and moan about shite, and whot good does it do?!? Nothing so I've come up with a new plan of action. Everytime I have a bitch or something I need to get off my chest Ima play with that new childs russian roulette game had linked in her journal. BAH, I can't believe someone actually tried to sell some shiznat like that, I mean isn't the world screwed up enough without creating screwed up people?!? Yeesh, I dunno maybe Im just too old fashioned, or too “NORMAL” for all the freaks out there to understand. BLAH Im just happy Im well adjusted and “legal” now, sure my exploits are great party fare, yet this new life I have seems to be more fulfilling, that is until you get calls from bill collectors, BAH. I don't think I could handle that job I would go insane, so those peeps that call me at all hours asking for money, props to you cuz I couldn't do it. Yeah insane would be a good word to describe me with that job, I mean hell I barely made it through tech support and they were calling me. YIPE!!! Ummmmm, where was I going with this post?!?

Oh yeah I wanted to comment on how all the people at my work watch out for sooooo much, women even remotely show and intertest in me and they're like so how are those those wedding plans coming along?, or how how is yer FIANCEE doin?!? It cracks me up to no end, and yet its kewl cuz they watch out for me and my bay bee. Anywho that was just a random thought so I thought Id share ya know?!? Well Im off to explore this thing called life have a good one all!

Lately I've felt that my life seems to be one big soap opera. Tempers flare and in the back of ones mind revenge is planned. Or the fact that things don't go ones way we need to MAKE it go our way. Its irked me to no end, yet at the same time, Im sure I've been no small bpart of this fiasco. Today I left in a bit of a rush and Im sure it seemed rush to cuz I normally hug her and say good bye for a while, but I had to go and just ran out. She said this this evening when I finally got off and went to help her get out of work just tofind that they had finished everything that I normally do for them. But this whole evening was great it was like the old days were she and I were perpetually happy and goofy the whole evening. I know thats why I choose to be with her and hope that she will continue to stay with me. All I can really say is I hope things continue on this good track we have goin right now. Spring is here and we have yet to see a spring together, so we shall see, but Im sure things will work out as always, kinda sickening how happy we are isn't it?!? Im sure people are kinda blahed by our good fortune of finding each other, yet, she does make me happy, she does make me complete, she is my Anam Cara, or soul friend, I've had this dream of having a party titled as such as the reception of my wedding, rave rave rave. Ah well dreams dreams dreams right?!? Hehehe, but yeah Im bored drunk and thinking I should go to bed since I have to be at work at 10:30AM

Uve realized that within the past week I've been ultra grumptified because of piddily things and that I've seemed to have over reacted about a lot of things that are said in passing. But ya know all I can really say is if I am reacting or have something to say about it, its normally because it really bugs me at the time. I realized this as I talked to a co-worker today and was like ya know almost everything I say is what I mean to come out of my mouth, except when drunk or really really tired, I'd say sick, but normally illness doesn't affect me that much. I admit this week hasn't gone exactly as planned, I mean I was expecting to see alot more of than I normally do, but in all actuality I think I saw less of her this week. bad timing and such I'll admit but still you would think that our paths would cross more that they did this week. I felt bad as I went to work this morning cuz she said she would visit me at work and I didn't want her too because I knew I would be ultra grumpy. Well that turned out to not be the case, I had great people in the morning show and got tipped out PHAT!!!!! Then our second show started and people were grumpy, but I kinda let it slide off, because well, I got into work almost 15 mins late and I still had a job. But the bestest thing happened in the middle of the second show.

MY BAY BEE SHOWED UP WITH MY FAVORITE BROWNIES!!!!!!!

OMG!!! It was bliss that just turned my day around, until I realized I would be there for ever because of my late arrival, DOH! But it didn't turn out to be so bad once the second show was over and we were oepn to the public I got great people in my sectin except for on bastard table, who will get theirs, this I know, because karma is a bitch isn't it?!? So I made great money and even though I wasn't cut til close to 11:30 tonight I think it went well and I made good money, but my feet hurt and I was soooooooo happy to be home, I got all kinds of free swag and I might win a contest nobody really knew about, so its all good. All I really know is Im so glad my bay bee came in today it made me realize how lil I saw of her and how much she does lil things to keep me happy Rob. So in honor of that I'm gonna do my best to get rid of sad mrosoe grumpy Rob and find that happy Rob I once knew. Oh yeah and everybody at work loves her because of said brownies, as I've said before. Everybody at work loves her and has adopted her. As well as most of them looking forward to our impending wedding. Yeah I love this girl, even though my actions and words may not always say it and communicate it, I really do love you , thanks for sharing a part of your life with me.

BLEH, I've been so blargh lately that everything seems to be an invitation for me to get angry or grumpy. I wanted to spend so much of this wekk with but things just never seemed to work out the way they should for a happy ending like that. Oh well, I've a bit of a crackwhore when getting drunk this week, sorry bout that bay bee. Im workin on tha whole gettin happy Rob back because I was him for so long it made things a lot funner, ah well I need to sleep now. Friggin double tomorrow, I don't know, but I think our owners are great business people, but they don't know jack about what the waiters go through to provide their class A service, and how cutting people early is a really good idea when you have a second wave of servers later on. Getting out of work at 1AM when you should normally get off by 10PM at the VERY latest, is a great way to just make me burn out. I swear if tomorrow is anything like this Ima kill some people and then consider walking out. Heh kinda funny Im bitter cuz Im sleepy…s l e e p y ! Nite all

I feel so terribly alone, I always have and probably always will. Why is that?!? Am I doomed to feel utterly alone no matter how loving an atmosphere I may be in?!? I just don't know anymore, I feel as if I might hold this hollow heart for the rest of my life. For a while now I've felt as if I might be able to kick it and lose that particular feeling. Still, the world seems to cry out to me telling me that I must be alone, no matter how much love I might find from someone. I love yet I still feel as if I am utterly alone, I don't know maybe I am too self involved and can't seem to find that balance needed to kep things happy in the world. Or am I supposed to fuck this relationship up as I seem to fuck em all up. Tonight has givin me plenty of time to think about it and wonder what it is that keeps me going in this world. I often wonder how I keep goin and why I keep goin, I don't know maybe I am destined to stay alone in the world. Are you?!?

So Im still gettin used to this LJ client that has installed on the comp, I mean it rules and all cuz it makes my entries easy and all. But it seems to be lacking something that my entires on the web seemed to have, I dunno I think itmight be the fact that I can post really fast like. I mean I've had three posts within the last half hour, yipe!!!! I normally wouldn't be like that, ah well what can ya do right?!? Just live with the drunk ass Rob and try to figure out whether or not he will make it to work tomorrow. I think I will and make it, yet I dunno if I will really wanna make it through the day tomorrow. I just want this weekendto be over cuz I don't like working Sundays, but I know I will have too this St. Patty's day, BLAH!!!! No wanna work, ah well enough drunken ramblings, latah..

As if you couldn't tell by my last post I am quite the inebriated person right now, and that is why I am still awake, hrm… Wher is I figure she would be home by now since the Pulse closes at 2AM, but I guess it could be said I learned my lesson the last time she said she would be home and got home round 2:30 esque. Each has their own version of being home on time I suppose, ah well, I suppose I will go to bed once this download is done. Anmybody wqanna sing me a lullaby?!?

I am sorry Imissed the Pulse because I always enjoy my time there, yet tonight seemed like a good night to just chill at home and just have a good evening. I mean I was all set at 9PM ready to go as was my security blanket yet 's friends seemed to be a bit behind the ball. No biggie I was still set to go, yet when they finally showed up at like 10:15 or 10:30, I was beggining to have my doubts. I'm supposed to be working a double tomorrow and be up by like 9AM. Alright this is hardly the time to say I told you so to me, but I got to finally chill with and she's a kewl chica. So we left at like 11PM to go buy beer cuz I figured it'd be the best way for me to get to bed at a reasonable time, yet when and I got back to me casa tehy were gone, and once I started to drink I decided the best way to spend this evening was getting wasted whi8le I got to know my internet bud.

I am sure > will be a bit irrate that I didn't go, and yet stayed up as long as I would normally stay up if I had gone to the Pulse, yet, I think she will understand that the mood was totally lost on me y the time that her firneds had shown up. I mean they are al kewl peeps, but by then I was so exhausted from tryin to entertain myself and that I was ready to cry. But here I am awake at the same time that I would have been had I gone with to the Pulse. Im sorry bay bee, Im sorry that I didn't go, but I lost all my fire and will by the time yer friends show up. Granted they rea really our friends, I was still just not in the mood once they showed up. I hope you can forgive me. Ah well there is tomorrow, I will get off work as fast as humanly possible and get me arse home, cuz its time for a party party party!!!!! Welp gotta run time to pass out once I finish this song I've been tryin to download. Nite all!

For a lot of stuff actually, but I didn't appreciate the public blame of deleting things I didn't esecially when I created back ups. I found the back ups easy enough, but yeah Im a bit grumpy.

I remember a dream I had a while back, that of a huge four story house out near a lake somewhere. I don't remember seeing the house from the outside or even walking around the whole place, yet I knew how big it was. But I walked in through the front door and saw a huge tree in sort of like an atrium type room. It was taller than the house and you could hear the rain hit the leaves and the ground in this room. I just stood there admiring how the tree grew even though it seemed confined. When I heard the door open and walked in and let out deep sigh. She was dressed in black though it really didn't cross my mind for a while about the importance of this fact, until later. She walked over to a bench to the left of the door, I had sat on an identical bench on the opposite side and waved at her. She just continued to stare at the tree with a bit of a downcast look on her face. I kept trying different ways of getting her attention and finally yelled. She faced my direction for a moment and whispered to herself, “I can almost hear him.” A lil girl entered then and sat on the bench I was sitting on, she looked at me and smiled for moment, then walked over to and gave her a hug. She grabbed her hand and led her out a door opposite the door they had both entered.
Blah!!!! I figured I was having a death dream by now, so I sat back down and waited. Soon my brother and my ex fiancee walked through and were whispering amongst themselves, when he looked up and was like Rob would love a tree like that. Then the walked out the same door and my daughter did. I sat a bit longer when members of my old drinking crew came through, as well as my best friend Josh, they kind of just talked quietly and looked up the tree top then moved on. Finally, a land tortoise comes cruisin into the room. I don't know if I've shared tha last dream with a land tortoise, well this was the same one. His name was Palo, and he started talking. Yeah I was a tad confused at first.

“So have you figured out what's goin on,” he asked.

“I have a pretty good idea,” I answered, “But you didn't talk last time you just cruised around and said…BOP BOP”

“Turtles can learn too, ya know,” he retorted.

Then he began to tell me that I had died and that I had a choice to make. I could spend the rest of my existence in the house, or I could move on. What ever the hell move on was. So I sat there thinking about it wieghin my options and such, I mean I could be close to my loved ones, but what if they moved or they died and wanted to move on. I would be without them, I mulld it over as Palo sat there talking about how much he hated the way the nature shows made his species seem stupid and slow. walked in one last time and sat at the base of the tree and closed her eyes. I heard her begin to sing and all I could do was cry. When she finished, she opened her eyes and stared straight at me, then said, “See ya soon, baby” That was enough I walked to the door and opened it.

Then I woke up, all I can say is I have vivid dreams and very surreal dreams. Kinda fun actually. Well gotta pretend to want to sleeep now, latah all.

Do you know what it's like to have a Heather biting your elbow?!? I hope not, its kinda kewl, but she is after all my fiancee (Seeeeee I friggin put two e's!!!!!!! – ed) Anywho just thought I'd comment as I finished up my downloads MP3 addict is me, why?!? She has a burner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mmmmmmm, true love yes, I mean with Heather that is *cough*