I just sat there staring as I couldn't sleep. I stared at my reflection and tried to get myself to fall asleep. It wasn't working, but as I stared at that drained, haggard, chubby visage I thought about a few things. What has really made me what I am today. I have a lot of great stories for friends when we are drinking and bragging, yet they seem sort of hollow when I think about telling them to my daughter. I've done and seen a lot of things as well as felt a few things that have helped me see the world in a different life. I don't think anything that has happened to me has destroyed my world view in anyway. Each new experience has helped open my eyes to a new point of view and a new aspect of beauty. I sound like some sort of wacked out earth mother thats been drinking too much when I talk like this, but it is rare when I talk about what I think about and try to communicate how I see the world.

I don't normally try because when I experience the world I experience it a lot differently than most people. When it comes to food its texture foremost and taste after that. When it comes to people I associate a color with them and come to recognize them because of a flash of color in my mind. Music is expereinced by closing my eyes and watching colors dance. Love, love that has been the coolest one to get to know lately. Love is like a warm hug and spatterings of light and lots of goose bumps. As I said kind of hard to communicate but thats the closest I can get to it. It does result in happiness and contentment but those are kind of secondary and just repercussions rather than the experience itself.

I kept staring and just tried to get to know myself. Some people believe that the eye is the window to the soul and if you sit somewhere and focus on another persons eye you can get to know them without saying a single word. That would be very very boss, and I think its why I don't look people in the eye a lot. When I do, you know you have my complete trust, or at least I know that you have my complete trust. Hrm….I am wierd….I need to sleep…..

Im finally tired at the right time. I've been having troubles with my sleeping patterns lately and lots of trouble keeping my cool. I've become irritable and very moody. I hit my breaking point of being the great bf and future husband when hit the hospital with her pre-term labor. I think it just hit me hard that I am going to have to get out there and make sure my family has enough to survivie on as well as work me arse off in school to make sure my family has a good future. I spazzed and well there were a couple bad days here, which I hope to never repeat, just because I don't like being mad and I don't like being mad at her. Breaking point was the fact that I was and felt sick when we were supposed to go to our birthing class. I just tried and tried to get moving but I couldn't I felt that bad, she thought I was just being lazy and not wanting to go, I did. Oh well, all is in the past, both of us were stressed and frazzled and we both realized this when we finally talked this week. So I've decided that talkin is good and not as bad or burdensome to the recipient as I once thought. I am almost normal, well normal for me right now, the only thing I can think of at this moment is mayhap that Im well kinda off. I mean I did get sick and came down and still feel like Im a bit ill, but it wasn't so much an illness as a change of who I am. I just felt hollow and lost. AGAIN. gds, I hate it when that feeling comes over me, I mean I really have no reason for it right now and hope to not have any reason in the future.

I say this because I stopped and thought about it today as I was talking to my co-workers. She is a perfect match for me, she gets my jokes, she laughs at my lil idiosyncracies, as well as infinite patience for my ever present stupidity. Its kinda funny I never noticed women flirting with me unless I was actively persuing them until mah gurlie pointed them out in the beggining in our relationship. Well now I see it all the time, so back to the whole point of this, she is great for me and seems to know when I need a hug or when I just need a smack on tha ass. I just wanted to put down in writing that I do think she is beautiful and the greatest gf ever. I would say fiance but you know I don't have much of anything to base that judgement on and Im sure she'll be tha bestest wife. Yeah so that was the sappy moment, this mix apparently makes me kinda sappy.

All I can really worry about is school and the baby now. I just want to show this lil one that there is beauty in the world and not everybody or everything is out to get you. That seems to be the running theme in most religions and WARNINGS. I just don't get it, I've always been the one who believes in the goodness of humanity and because of it have been taken every once in a while. That just makes me hope that there is someone in the world who will prove me wrong. Slim chance at best but a chance none the less. Blah, my mind is just one wandering flabby piece of meat. I think I'll g o to bed and try this tomorrow.