Im finally tired at the right time. I've been having troubles with my sleeping patterns lately and lots of trouble keeping my cool. I've become irritable and very moody. I hit my breaking point of being the great bf and future husband when hit the hospital with her pre-term labor. I think it just hit me hard that I am going to have to get out there and make sure my family has enough to survivie on as well as work me arse off in school to make sure my family has a good future. I spazzed and well there were a couple bad days here, which I hope to never repeat, just because I don't like being mad and I don't like being mad at her. Breaking point was the fact that I was and felt sick when we were supposed to go to our birthing class. I just tried and tried to get moving but I couldn't I felt that bad, she thought I was just being lazy and not wanting to go, I did. Oh well, all is in the past, both of us were stressed and frazzled and we both realized this when we finally talked this week. So I've decided that talkin is good and not as bad or burdensome to the recipient as I once thought. I am almost normal, well normal for me right now, the only thing I can think of at this moment is mayhap that Im well kinda off. I mean I did get sick and came down and still feel like Im a bit ill, but it wasn't so much an illness as a change of who I am. I just felt hollow and lost. AGAIN. gds, I hate it when that feeling comes over me, I mean I really have no reason for it right now and hope to not have any reason in the future.

I say this because I stopped and thought about it today as I was talking to my co-workers. She is a perfect match for me, she gets my jokes, she laughs at my lil idiosyncracies, as well as infinite patience for my ever present stupidity. Its kinda funny I never noticed women flirting with me unless I was actively persuing them until mah gurlie pointed them out in the beggining in our relationship. Well now I see it all the time, so back to the whole point of this, she is great for me and seems to know when I need a hug or when I just need a smack on tha ass. I just wanted to put down in writing that I do think she is beautiful and the greatest gf ever. I would say fiance but you know I don't have much of anything to base that judgement on and Im sure she'll be tha bestest wife. Yeah so that was the sappy moment, this mix apparently makes me kinda sappy.

All I can really worry about is school and the baby now. I just want to show this lil one that there is beauty in the world and not everybody or everything is out to get you. That seems to be the running theme in most religions and WARNINGS. I just don't get it, I've always been the one who believes in the goodness of humanity and because of it have been taken every once in a while. That just makes me hope that there is someone in the world who will prove me wrong. Slim chance at best but a chance none the less. Blah, my mind is just one wandering flabby piece of meat. I think I'll g o to bed and try this tomorrow.