So I have nothing I really want to post here lately, its been hard for me to let my emotions out lately. I am a rock and hardly let my guard down since mah lil gurl has been born. Especially since mah gurlie has had problems concerning the birth and having a rough time healing, This doesn't bother me as much as it worries me. I've always been ruled by emotions, but lately I don't seem to have many emotions to be ruled by. Just exhaustion and hopelessness, not from the birth of my lil girl, but from the futility that seems to be a part of providing for her. I don't know if I can go back to school next semester. I would like too and I hope too but realistically I think I might need to get a second job and work me arse off just to make ends meet. Not only that I can barely handle work and homelife as it is, I don't know if I would be able to pile school on top of that as well.

I think I just feel the responsibility setting in as I realize that the easy money I once had is no longer there for me. I do not regret having a child nor do I regret being the one who goes out and gets our money. I just regret that Im not better prepared to go out and get our money. Oh well, I spose I should just let those thoughts die and concentrate more on making sure my family is happy.

This would bring me to my next point. I've always lived with people with Xmas decorations and always had the spare money to get a tree if need be, but I've never amassed my own collection of xmas decorations. So now I have none and I don't even have the money to get a tree for my daughters first xmas. I know I will be able to provide in the future but now I just feel like there is something missing in our house. ALthough I spose its not really missing if we have mass amounts of love.

Ultimately, I think I just feel almost useless and worthless because of my lack of fundage and ability to provide that fundage. Sad how I never cared for money and never really needed it before. Now I just want money to go away and the barter system to come back into play. I think this is a good time for me to make my wish again. Exact change for any and all purchases, yeah that would rule. Although I've wondered how the IRS would audit that when they see I just bought my brand new car with cash. Ok so enough with the pity trip I think I'll grab a few Zs before the lil one wakes up.

Schnikes! Check this out!
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