Lately I've been kind of down. I've been thinking about and I think I have the answer to my problem. Im already missing my past life. I sat there thinking about it and looking at all my pictures, and I've gotten a few calls from friends asking me to go out and celebrate graduations or landmarks in their lives. It depesses me to know that I used to do all that on a whim. I used to travel and disappear for days at a time. Now. I have to grow up and be responsible. This new section of my life isn't a disappoinment, nor is it something I loathe or regret. It's more of missing my freedom and ability to just do things when ever. This situation is probably agravated by the fact that we have no car so we are pretty much sequestered at home unless we manage to finagle a ride out of someone. I do miss the adventures and the unpredictability of my life that was. I tell my stories and I realize they are great stories and even movie plots according to some people. Yeah but Im moving on and I think part of me doesn't want too, not just yet.

Then I look at my daughter as she lays on her stomach scrteaming because she just learned how too. How I laugh when she does that and she sucks her bottom lip then begins to make baby coos. How seems happy to just be home when she gets home from work. How there are times her hugs just help me cope with life and crap within it. This makes me happy, though I feel stagnant now. Like I need something more. Happiness is there, I just can't really cope with the stress anymore.

The whole semester has been one big stress fest. H never really being happy around me, Riley needing constant care even when H was home, no car, wedding plans, work, and last of all having to pay most of our bills. Im ready to explode I think, everything is seeming to aggravate me, I feel caged up again. Why can't I just feel free again?