So I've come to find that my emotions are very cyclical. I've had various people throughout my life point it out but I idon't think I've admitted it to myself until recently. I see myself looking up as I slide down towards that pit known as Male PMS. Where Im edgy and take offense to everything. Where was I when I when I was standing at the brink, why am I now just realizing Im slipping down?

I've only noticed it because I feel no motivation to do house work, I barely play with Ri like I used too, Im beggining to loathe the people I wait on at work, and worst of all I don't find as much joy in the world as I usually do. The world is stark and colorless. Normally I can handle it but not lately. What happened, did I change, have I not changed enough?!? I think the futility of my position at my current job is starting to sink in and cause this apathy. I am in the midst of starting the fires of job searching again, but first I need a kick ass resume. Selling, I suck at, selling myself, even more so. I think this is the main reason I've stayed at all my jobs for as long as I have. Familiarity and security. However, the security has failed me at this job. I've tried to cross train to the kitchen, I got blocked by the FOH Manager. I tried to make management, all the uppers believed our new server who had previous management experience would be better suited. Maybe so, but I think our staff needs a manager who has a back bone and takes the needs of the servers to heart. Not to knock my new manager, she hasn't turned to the dark side yet, but she has the potential and this frightens me. I hear about the good happy hours and the good business we've been doing. I look in my wallet at the end of the night and have yet to see the fuits of these “good” times. I try to make suggestions on what to do, nothing gets done. WHat do I do now? What am I really qualified for? How will I get there? What will I do for Ri's care while working? These questions nag me to no end as I try to get things moving on the job search, thus less sleep, and more stress.

Believe me I will find this job and I will find something, “better”. But such searches can take time. Especially the “better” part.

edit: Im better Halloween helped and this is an old entry, deal with it, we'll catch up soon