I had the strangest dream Friday night. Read more

i feel empty again,
But I feel happy too.
Strange how they works, hey?!?
My family makes me happy and I am happy around them.
This insidious sadness and deep despair seems to be only a grumpy moment away.
My dreams are getting dark and morbid now.
Disjunct images and random voices.
Worse yet is the occasional scream. Read more

Life is one big hairy stress ball right now and Im just trying to stay afloat. im trying to be a good dad, but I often wonder if I really am.
Im short tempered lately
I feel off from the rest of the world.
I look at my daughter and think there is so much more i could be offering to her.
Money stops it all. (The fact that we have none)
Lately I’ve been feeling depressed and alone.
I feel like Im losing my sanity one piece at a time.(Slowly ever so slowly) Read more

I had an odd dream about how things would have turned out had I actually married my ex fiance. Well it wasn’t very pretty, especially since my mind realized that a lot of my growth and change happened well after she and I broke up. Things were bleak and our child was not the most well behaved, stable, or friendly child in the world. It was kind of dark and hopeless, it made my waking life seem that much more rosy. I’ve been stressing about money and freaking out about lil things lately which has been creating a tense atmosphere. I think the thing that is making me most ill at ease is the fact that I don’t know what I want to do to support my family. I stick to waiting tables because the potewntial for making money is very very good, yet I know I don’t want to do that forever. Read more

life seems to be moving forward at a great clip. Yet I feel as if I am standing still and kind of just paddling against this current which is kicking my ass. Im happy and most things in my life still bring me joy, but I just feel stagnant. My meanderings which happen in my mind don’t keep me amused for as long anymore and its kind of disconcerting. What can one do but kind of just go with tha flow, ja? That sucks for me because I’ve always been one of those people who makes my way and doesn’t just flow. Such is life I spose. Read more

I have the best bride and groomsmen on the planet. My bachelor party was great success until it was just about over. Then everything went wrong. I blacked out so I personally don’t know what happened but through the stories and friends I’ve been able to piece together a small part of that drama. Needless to say I know Im marrying the woman of my dreams and my friends are just so kewl. The only person I kind of got irate at the next day was my cousin who called me to tell me how horrible and terrible I was the night before. No friggin shite! I don’t need you to rub it in, I had a hang over and I felt like an ass you don’t need to rub it in. All I can say is that Im happy to still be around and grateful that nobody seems to hold any ill will towards me for the events of that night. While I was coherent it was a great night though. Read more

I remember when that’s what I wanted to be, just a dreamless sleeper. My dreams would show me worlds I could not fathom or control. They always had a beat and a certain way of movement, whether it was the movement of the sky or the movement of time, there was always that constant around to help me remember it was dream. As time progressed I learned to control certain aspects of my dreaming. I learned to not die when I should have been dead. I learned to close my eyes and move to a different locale if my dreams became too intense. I also learned how to wake up on comand if something began to happen in a way I couldn’t handle. Read more